Monday, October 25, 2010

"Parent Training"

Child training: very few of the many responsibilities we have as parents are as important as this one. Done correctly, it teaches our children self control and prepares them to responsibly follow God when they move out of our homes to start families of their own. We're all familiar with Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." A few other words come to mind when I think of everything involved in this crucial element of child rearing: consistency, justice, husband-wife teamwork, reproof, the Rod of Correction, parent training.

As I work with Little Tait and Miles constantly throughout the day - "drilling" them, praising good behavior and punishing and correcting bad behavior - I've come to realize that, while I'm training them to act correctly and obediently, I'm also training myself.

To be positively effective, child training must be done self-consciously. But even the parent who gives no thought to child training is, just the same, training her child. She is either teaching him that there are no consequences for his actions, that bad behavior is acceptable, that there is no standard whereby he must live his life; or she is teaching him that actions have consequences, that what he does is important, and that there is a higher standard than his little whims and desires. As Proverbs says, "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15).



Child training should be a way of life. Consistency is extremely important, especially for very young children, but oh so hard to achieve! Little Tait (nearly 2) needs to know, at this point in his life, that taking toys from Miles (12 months) always yields bad results. Yes, there will be times when I'm not there to correct him, but I should be consistent enough that he can pretty much count on undesirable consequences. If I stand by and watch him steal Miles' toy without dealing with it, Little Tait learns that it is sometimes okay to take Miles' toy, and once he gets to a certain age, will begin to weigh the chance of bad consequences against the joy of getting what he wants (which is always, of course, exactly what the other child has).

Miles needs to know that every time he gets in the kitchen cupboard that is not his cupboard, there will be consequences. Usually, these "consequences" consist of a slap on the hand and relocation over to his cupboard. Recently, I've let this one slide some, and Miles has been much more interested in the kitchen cupboards with glass jars and plates than in his cupboard with non-breakable baby dishes. Little Tait knows exactly what's going on, and tries to help Miles avoid the bad consequences. As soon as Miles heads for the kitchen cabinets, Little Tait is there, opening the baby cupboard and directing Miles to it.



It's hard for me to repeatedly break away - both mentally and physically - from the dinner I'm stirring on the stove, or the sink I'm scrubbing, or the real estate work I'm doing for Tait, to correct babies throughout the day. But I constantly remind myself that the results of consistency far outweigh the luxury of working on projects uninterrupted! I would much rather disrupt my work periodically for little episodes of child training now and enjoy well-behaved, obedient children later on, than thoughtlessly avoid the trouble of child training now, only to have to deal with wildly out-of-control children down the road. Then, it would be nearly impossible to get the housework done!

I've realized that I have to train myself before I can hope to make real headway with the boys. I have to "train" myself to drop whatever I'm doing to deal with disobedience. I have to "train" myself to make child training a natural way of life. Basically, it boils down to creating for myself good habits of consistency, self discipline, and unending patience.

Little Tait and Miles are by no means perfect, and I'm reminded daily that they are each a work in progress. Each child is born with a sin nature, and it is our job as parents to teach them, through Christ, to fight that sin nature and become more conformed to the image of Christ each day.


A few of our favorite resources on child training:

To Train up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy Ministries
Unfortunately, we're not able to recommend most of their other materials. However, we do recommend To Train up a Child very highly! It is one of the most practical books on child training we've ever seen. This was one of the books that we studied through together over the phone during our courtship.
Raising Godly Tomatoes (a book and website by L. Elizabeth Krueger)
Although I haven't actually read the book, the information on the website has been extremely helpful and wonderfully practical!
What are some resources that have been helpful for you in the area of child training?

8 comments:

The Whites said...

I think its interesting what you say about the Pearls books. Why can't you recommend their other books?
I've read several of the Pearls books and find all of them equally unbiblical and harsh (really? we're supposed to train our children the same as animals?! Not to mention the two deaths associated with them). So I'm just curious about your reasoning for recommending this one and not others.

These sites have been a tremendous blessing to my family in helping us parent in a gospel-centered, grace-filled way.

http://parentingfreedom.com/samuelmartinbook.pdf
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Monica said...

I'm currently reading "Parenting With Grace", and while by Catholic authors I think its lessons can be applied across the board. The foreward written by Dr. Sears, whom I have always liked.
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Grace-Gregory-Popcak/dp/1592766854/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1288046922&sr=8-2

I am also a huge fan of the attachment approach to parenting.

You are right, consistency is key. And in "disciplining" my children (key word, disciple) it is my hope that I can show them the right way without always resorting to punitive means.

It is nice to see other adults my age taking parenting so seriously, instead of just "something that has happened to them that they have to endure."

God bless!

The Zimmerman Family said...

Hello Whites! Welcome to our blog!

We don't recommend most of the Pearls' other resources because we believe they are way off theologically in some areas. While there are one or two things in "To Train up a Child" that we don't agree with (the Pearls' ideas on the Age of Accountability and a few others), we believe that the book can still be very helpful to parents in the child-training area. Of course, as with any resource, we must constantly examine it in light of Scripture.

I haven't heard anything in regards to the deaths you mention, and, after reading the book, honestly don't think that any deaths could possibly be blamed on it.

I wish I had the book in front of me to review the parallels they drew between training a dog and a baby (we recently moved, and it's in a box somewhere). From what I remember, there was nothing inappropriate there, and he was merely drawing a rough analogy.

Thanks for sharing the links! I look forward to reading them! Your daughter is beautiful, and I enjoyed reading a few posts on your blog! : )

Blessings,
~Tait and Lauren

The Zimmerman Family said...

Hi Monica! Yes, love that you point out the word "disciple" in "discipline"! It's definitely a key element, and something we are very passionate about! I'm sure Tait will have some articles on that coming! : )

Thanks for sharing the resources!

~Lauren

Anonymous said...

Lauren,

I am enjoying reading your articles and see you bloom into motherhood. You are very wise young woman and I wish I had started where you are now!

The books that I read over and over are by the Maxwell’s..I HIGHLY recommend them...Keeping Our Children's Hearts and Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit to name 2 of them.
Their books on schedule and Training Sons are excellent as well.

There web site can be found here:
http://www.titus2.com/

Another resource I use all the time, though not directly related to child rearing, is the Pineapple Story series on CD's by Mr. Koning put out by IBLP.

It can be found here:
http://store.iblp.org/products/CTPS/

Laying down our rights and expectations as parents is often the key to consistent training! With 7 children I am still learning this myself and you are so correct we are being trained as parents!!!

Blessings,
Mrs. Anita Kilpatrick

OurLilFullFam said...

Lauren,

As you add to your family, the others will earn by the older ones. Not that you don't have to parent the others, but they help guide when they know the rules. I remeber having a toddler and a baby, and then homeschooling a pres-schooler, a toddler and having a new baby. Now I have a high-schooler for my oldest, all the way down to my baby.

It gets easier and you are doing a great job. What you are sowing now will be a great reward later. Done in love, it never comes back void!

Stephanie

OurLilFullFam said...

Also,

I take what the Pearls say in light of scripture, as with anything. I actually have their dvd about child training and it is not mean, nor do I think they try to be harsh on purpose.

On my QF board, there were people bashing Vision Forum saying it encouraged men to be cruel and beat their wives. People can take anything and twist it for what they want. I can never believe that the people who run that vital ministry could be seen as mean.

Those who truly love the Lord and seek to train their children in His word will never be seen as evil or harsh, for God is love and those who actually follow scripture, husbands included, could never treat their family as such.

You are so right, take everything in light of scripture, that is what we should follow, not any earthly man.

Stephanie

The Zimmerman Family said...

Hi Mrs. Kilpatrick! My family down in SC has enjoyed the Maxwells' books, and we saw them speak once. I really would like to get those! I've heard of the Pineapple Story too, but I'm not very familiar with it. I'll be sure to look into it some more! : )

Stephanie - I've already seen Miles learning so much from Little Tait! I'm realizing more and more that it's so important that the older ones are trained well, since, as you said, the younger ones will tend to follow in their footsteps!

It really is amazing how people can get messages like that from Vision Forum! Beat their wives? Wow! I've never heard anything remotely similar to that from them! :O I did not find the Pearls to be harsh, though they were definitely "hard" on their children, in that they were consistent and appropriately "strict."

Thank you both for the encouragement! : )

~Lauren