A Sign of Weakness?

"As a mother it is so easy for me to get bent out of shape and irritated over dealing with strife that I become the product of what I’m trying to avoid in my children. It doesn’t do much good to fly off the handle because my child is not being flexible…or snap as I try to teach them gentleness…now there’s a moment of truth."

-Kelly, in her article entitled
"What Can a Mother do About Sibling Strife,"

on her very encouraging and practical blog Generation Cedar

Is it a sign of weakness for me to post this quote, and admit that it was very timely?

Yes, I think it is. But I'll be the first one to admit that I've been very weak in this area recently! With all of the stress of a busy schedule and trying to get things organized before possible bedrest, I'm afraid I haven't had a lot of patience left for the boys. And on top of all that, Miles got croup. Little Tait has a cold, and is having trouble sleeping at night. They've both been tired and grumpy (probably taking their cues from a tired and grumpy mommy). I've got a weird cough - either the beginnings of a cold, or the result of breathing in too much dust during the organizing process. And of course, pregnancy hormones probably aren't helping me out too much either.

On top of all that, I feel like I live in a pigsty. Okay, so I'm grossly exaggerating here. : ) But I do so hate disorganization! We've had everything strewn all over the living room during this organizing process, and I've put off cleaning and dusting until I can actually walk across the room without feeling like I'm navigating a maze, and until the floor is somewhat visible. It's hiding somewhere under all of the boxes and bins at the moment.

With all that said, yesterday was a very productive day (thanks to my sweet mother-in-law watching the boys for the afternoon!), and I finally feel like we're on our way to digging ourselves out of the piles - piles of outgrown baby clothes, books that have no bookshelf, and lots and lots of real estate and household papers. Progress is always nice. : )

My husband had a heart-to-heart with me yesterday about my attitude, and how it affects the boys. I used to pride myself on keeping my voice completely controlled when dealing with misbehavior. Oops! What's that verse ... something about pride going before a fall? Well, the pride phase lasted a few months before the fall phase took over, gradually but completely.

The above quote really drove home the fact that I have to be the example for the little guys. Getting upset, losing control of my voice, and losing my patience, will not teach Little Tait to keep control over his anger and frustration when Miles takes his toy. Nor will it teach Miles to get a hold of himself (i.e. no screaming) when Mommy or Daddy tell him no.

This has been good for me to think through! Thank you Kelly, for your wise and timely words!

And now, I'm off to finish labeling and sorting the bins before their transport to the storage area downstairs, clean out the cabinet for the installation of our double wall oven (yay!), make ice cream to take along to dinner at a friend's house tonight, work on some nasty stained clothes, change the sheets, work on the laundry, help hubby clean up our storage area, file papers....

Or at least, I'm off to make some progress on that long list, while the boys are napping at Tait's parents' house. (Thank the Lord for godly, helpful, understanding, nearby parents-in-law!)

"Parent Training"

Child training: very few of the many responsibilities we have as parents are as important as this one. Done correctly, it teaches our children self control and prepares them to responsibly follow God when they move out of our homes to start families of their own. We're all familiar with Proverbs 22:6: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." A few other words come to mind when I think of everything involved in this crucial element of child rearing: consistency, justice, husband-wife teamwork, reproof, the Rod of Correction, parent training.

As I work with Little Tait and Miles constantly throughout the day - "drilling" them, praising good behavior and punishing and correcting bad behavior - I've come to realize that, while I'm training them to act correctly and obediently, I'm also training myself.

To be positively effective, child training must be done self-consciously. But even the parent who gives no thought to child training is, just the same, training her child. She is either teaching him that there are no consequences for his actions, that bad behavior is acceptable, that there is no standard whereby he must live his life; or she is teaching him that actions have consequences, that what he does is important, and that there is a higher standard than his little whims and desires. As Proverbs says, "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15).

Child training should be a way of life. Consistency is extremely important, especially for very young children, but oh so hard to achieve! Little Tait (nearly 2) needs to know, at this point in his life, that taking toys from Miles (12 months) always yields bad results. Yes, there will be times when I'm not there to correct him, but I should be consistent enough that he can pretty much count on undesirable consequences. If I stand by and watch him steal Miles' toy without dealing with it, Little Tait learns that it is sometimes okay to take Miles' toy, and once he gets to a certain age, will begin to weigh the chance of bad consequences against the joy of getting what he wants (which is always, of course, exactly what the other child has).

Miles needs to know that every time he gets in the kitchen cupboard that is not his cupboard, there will be consequences. Usually, these "consequences" consist of a slap on the hand and relocation over to his cupboard. Recently, I've let this one slide some, and Miles has been much more interested in the kitchen cupboards with glass jars and plates than in his cupboard with non-breakable baby dishes. Little Tait knows exactly what's going on, and tries to help Miles avoid the bad consequences. As soon as Miles heads for the kitchen cabinets, Little Tait is there, opening the baby cupboard and directing Miles to it.

It's hard for me to repeatedly break away - both mentally and physically - from the dinner I'm stirring on the stove, or the sink I'm scrubbing, or the real estate work I'm doing for Tait, to correct babies throughout the day. But I constantly remind myself that the results of consistency far outweigh the luxury of working on projects uninterrupted! I would much rather disrupt my work periodically for little episodes of child training now and enjoy well-behaved, obedient children later on, than thoughtlessly avoid the trouble of child training now, only to have to deal with wildly out-of-control children down the road. Then, it would be nearly impossible to get the housework done!

I've realized that I have to train myself before I can hope to make real headway with the boys. I have to "train" myself to drop whatever I'm doing to deal with disobedience. I have to "train" myself to make child training a natural way of life. Basically, it boils down to creating for myself good habits of consistency, self discipline, and unending patience.

Little Tait and Miles are by no means perfect, and I'm reminded daily that they are each a work in progress. Each child is born with a sin nature, and it is our job as parents to teach them, through Christ, to fight that sin nature and become more conformed to the image of Christ each day.


A few of our favorite resources on child training:

To Train up a Child, by Michael and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy Ministries

Unfortunately, we're not able to recommend most of their other materials. However, we do recommend To Train up a Child very highly! It is one of the most practical books on child training we've ever seen. This was one of the books that we studied through together over the phone during our courtship.

Raising Godly Tomatoes (a book and website by L. Elizabeth Krueger)

Although I haven't actually read the book, the information on the website has been extremely helpful and wonderfully practical!

What are some resources that have been helpful for you in the area of child training?